And 5 Things You Might be Doing That is Harming Your Relationship
Raising happy and successful teenagers is tough. Parents as well as teens are currently navigating confusing territory. Some of the issues that we're facing and working through are more than a bit unprecedented and I've noticed that parents and kids are getting a lot of confusing messages about life and growing up. Parents struggle with their own issue while they're making their best attempts to raise these kids. I've been in the game long enough that I've not only found some of the core values and practices to have remained true but more important and in some cases, more effective than they've ever been. Kids need this kind of parenting more than they've ever needed it, perhaps.
Much of my work has orbited around effective parenting or what I have come to dub as resilient parenting. It's the best part of what I do. I cover a lot of ground and treat a wide range of issues but helping parents, families and teenagers is an area that I always find rewarding. I've built my own parenting program around being resilient and I've developed what I call my parenting 4 X 4 which includes 4 roles and 4 skill sets. It's a very in depth program that I have shared with many clients. Frankly, it's far to long and elaborate for a blog post. It would probably be better in the format of an entire book and it's a book that I would think about writing if I thought anybody would actually buy or read it. I've often heard parents say that kids don't come with a manual. There are manuals, actually, in the form of parenting books but people neither buy them or read them.
For now, I'm going to outline some of the fundamentals of effective parenting and things that will help parents raise happier and more successful teenagers.
A close bond
Sadly, a close, positive and loving relationship between parent and child seems to have become a lower priority in recent years but this seems to be a big problem across the board. Humans just aren't as close and connected as they once were. This is, perhaps, our great modern tragedy. It's imperative for you to have a close and loving relationship with your child. I've had parents tell me or imply that they can be an effective parent even though the relationship is rocky and I disagree. That could be true, you might be able to help your kids become successful adults without this factor, but it's extremely difficult and will still cause them to develop some significant issues when they become adults.
When the relationship is positive and the child is close to their parents, the job of the parent becomes easier and not by a little bit. A good relationship makes a drastic difference. Parenting also becomes far more rewarding. A good relationship and a tight bond is in itself a massive topic, I'm just going to outline some of the biggest barriers that I see these days. All of which have become pretty normal these days. Not enough people question the wisdom behind these norms; they just fall into autopilot.
The parent makes everything about themselves - Parents don't realize that their parenting is coming a place of selfishness. If you want to have a good relationship with your kids, you may need to get over yourself. When you make everything about your, you will misinterpret their behavior as a harmful attack on you. Or you interpret their behavior as though their lives orbit around you when this isn't the case. It's important to remember that kids don't exist to think about you or take you into consideration on a day to day basis. You need to be a grown up and realize that it's in their very nature to be relatively self-centered through their formative years. While you hold an invaluable role in their lives, they don't live for you, they live for themselves.
Being punitive - Parents chronically over use punishments when they're trying to shape behavior. Punishments can have their place but parents over do it. The more a parent uses punishments, the more resentful and rebellious a child becomes which brings on more punishments which is just going to drive you further and further apart. Some kids resent their parents so much they don't care how personally destructive they become. They just want to stick it to their parents. It's a destructive cycle that doesn't have a good ending. Punishments are subject to the law of diminished returns. The more you use it, the less effective it becomes. Kind of like yelling and screaming. The more you yell and scream, the less effective it becomes. There are better ways to shape and change behavior. The less you use punishments, the more effective they're going to become in the long run but it's important to remember that too much punishing causes them to lose their effectiveness over time. So not only do they not produce the desired result but they drive them away from you.
Being controlling - Parents these days need to chill. They're to controlling and it's usually because they're trying to soothe their own anxiety. If your anxiety turns into control directed at your kids, you're going to lose them. Control quickly turns into abuse. You can turn your own anxiety into emotionally abusive behaviors. It takes a lot of personal honesty to realize when you're turning your anxiety into control. It's so important, and I can't stress this enough, for you to support their independence and autonomy. I'll flesh this out a bit more later.
Not tolerating mistakes, failures and setbacks - Teenagers are going to make some catastrophic mistakes and you have to be okay with that. I have found that parents see the mistakes of their children as a negative reflection on their parenting which is a false and destructive attitude. As they enter their teen years, you must sit yourself down and have a talk with yourself and that goes something like this: "Self, my child is going to make a lot of mistakes. I've done my best to teach them but they're going to make their own mistakes. It's their life and their lessons to learn. It's my job to teach them and support them." You must let them fail and you must let them fall down. It's part of growing up and learning. They can't grow if you don't let them struggle.
Hypocrisy - Teenagers can't stand it when their parents are hypocrites. You have to be extremely careful not to approach parenting with the attitude that certain rules apply to the kids but not the adults. That kind of standard will work against you big time. Let me give a couple of examples. You cannot expect them to honest and tell the truth if you're not honest with them or you cannot expect them to be respectful if you act disrespectfully. You have to hold yourself to the same standard that you expect from them. If you don't, they will see you as a hypocrite and they'll lose respect for you.
Your relationship and bond is your best tool. Without it, you're going to struggle in every regard. My advice is to to be extremely discerning about the types of things that you might allow that will get in the way of having a close relationship. When the relationship is strong, kids are more likely to listen to you, take advice from you and make good decisions when you're not around. A good relationship goes an extremely long way and you need to fight to preserve it. Take a minute to assess the quality of your relationship with your teen. If it needs work then you're going to need to make some changes. It's your job and your responsibility. Make more efforts to cultivate a positive relationship with them.
Here are a few things that will help them grow into happy and successful people.
Unconditional love and unconditional positive regard
Too many parents are teaching their kids that love is a transactional process where kids learn, unfortunately, that they are only loveable or given validation and approval when they accomplish certain things or behave in certain ways. It's kind of a tough situation because we, the adults, went through the same experience. We also learned that we received love only when certain conditions were met. When love is conditional it's not actually love is it? Most of us don't realize that we're carrying this tradition on and I realize that what I present sounds a bit unconventional and maybe even a little bit radical.
Give your kids approval. Regardless of what they do. Regardless of whether or not you like or approve of their decisions you need to radically accept that it's their decisions and love the person. The message needs to be that I don't care what you do, I care who you are. What you do isn't as important to me as who you are. Make sure your kid knows that they are good enough exactly how they are. I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with that, they feel like they have to force and impress the need for their children to work and accomplish. It's as though feel afraid that loving them regardless of what they accomplish or not will be giving them permission to do nothing. Don't listen to this worry and also understand there are effective ways to motivate them to work for what they want out of life.
Self-esteem
The greatest gift a parent can give to their child is a strong sense of self-worth but first understand that self-esteem is just an empty prospect without unconditional love. A child must see that their self-worth isn't hinged on what other people might think of them or what they accomplish. We have to teach them that their opinion of themselves matters far more than that of other people. Some of the most greatest progress I've seen happen with teens happens after I've been able to effectively show their own worth and value to them.
The benefits of having self-esteem are immeasurable; I could write volumes about it. Mostly it gives you the strength and courage to walk your own path and live more true to yourself which is something that each of us long for whether we're aware of it or not. Rather than moving through life seeking the approval of others, your child will be self-assured. Self-esteem also helps them to be more resilient. They will bounce back and be more resilient. When life knocks them down, they will pick themselves back up. They'll trust themselves more and be less concerned about failing.
I realize that supporting your child's self-esteem sounds great and is easier said than done. I don't intend to break the process down here but I will say this at least. There are things that undermine their self-esteem. Those things might be backed with good intentions such as holding high expectations. It's important to become realistic when something like this isn't haven't the desired effect.
Autonomy/Independence
It's so important for your kids to be able to have independence and autonomy. They need to be able to make their own decisions and they must be allowed to make mistakes and fail in the process. If you stifle their independence and their autonomy, don't be surprised when a lot of things go wrong. I've had a lot of people express to me over the years their fear of screwing their kids up and doing a lot of things wrong. Their anxiety causes them to stifle the independence and autonomy in their kids which is one of the ways that you will most assuredly screw them up and cause them harm.
I've worked with parents who allowed a high level of independence and autonomy with excellent results. The kid learns and grows while becoming self-sufficient. The relationship between them is always positive. Stifling them is an extremely effective way to harm them and alienate them. It's highly destructive to the relationship. Stifling them can also severely stunt their emotional and psychological development. This is how you get an adult who won't leave the house, get a job or do anything with their life.
If you want them to be happy, healthy and successful, you must allow them to make their own decisions, move freely and be allowed to make mistakes, fall down and follow the natural learning process of life. If you're preventing them from experiencing natural consequences to their choices, you're not helping them, you're stifling them. The more you stifle them, the more likely they are going to make bad choices as they grow older.
Consistency and predictability
Consistent and predictable parents are good parents and safe parents. It's your job to set the tone in the home and in the relationship. If your mood and emotions are unpredictable, your relationship is going to suffer. They won't trust you if you're unpredictable. The same goes with the rules and expectations. If you're oscillating between being strict and relaxed you're going to have chaos.
There's a big difference between being strict and controlling and it's important to understand the difference. Your rules need to make sense and they need to serve a purpose and they have to understand the reasons behind them. The more strict a parent is, the harder it is to be consistent and consistency is better than being strict. Creating consistency can be simple. Eat dinner at the same time everyday. Have a family activity lined up the same time every Saturday afternoon. Have the TV turned off at the same time each night. Kids are happier when they know what to expect.
Kids need to be kids
Our modern world is forcing kids into adulthood and responsibility way to soon. Kids need to be kids. Their job is to be a kid and that means that they need to be relatively carefree and they need to be allowed to have a lot of fun. It's important for them to have friends and be active. They need to explore and try new things. It's your job as a parent to not only allow but to also encourage and facilitate their ability to make friends, try new things and to have fun. Unfortunately, far too much of that has been restricted in recent years. Kids haven't been allowed to be kids for whatever reason. Unfortunately, too many parents feel the need to create a more restrictive approach to parenting.
Open the door, let them out into the world. Encourage them to try new things. Be careful to not put anxiety into their heads. Too many kids are struggling with social anxiety these days and unfortunately, I think they're getting too much of that from their parents who need to be reassuring them that they have nothing to worry about and that things are going to be just fine.
What kind of parent do you wish you had?
Before I wrap this up, I want to leave you with something to think about. Take a minute to reflect on your teenage years and your parents. Did you have ideal parents? Were they amazing? I'm betting, like the rest of us, your parents made a lot of mistakes at the very least and at worst caused a lot of psychologically damage. What can I say, it can be a long standing family tradition. Some people have incredible parents but they are the exception, I find, instead of the rule. What do wish your parents had done different? What do you wish they had done better?
After you think that through a bit, take a few minutes to think about the kind of parent that you wish you had. Some people have never taken the time to think it through so it's okay if you're not sure but if you want to be a better parent, it's worth sitting down and thinking it through and if you're going to take the time to do it, you might want to take some additional time to write some things down and journal about it and from there open some conversations with trusted people about it.
The idea here is to be the parent that you wish that you had. Maybe that means being a parent that knew how to listen or was a lot more fun. Maybe it means being less strict. Maybe that means that you're always taking the time to reflect and make improvements. That's my challenge to you, to be the kind of parent that you wish that you had and to always strive to be that kind of parent. And of course, I'm available for hire to help you through the process so I hope that you will take the time to reach out.
If you're out of state, I can provide parent coaching as well. Thank you for reading, I hope this was helpful.